I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break
Free From the Affair." One affair, "I Can't Say
NO!" is characterized by addictive tendencies. Infidelity
(as well as pornography, strip clubs, online chatting,
compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be a part of
the sexual addiction.
Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted
person intuitively knows of the addiction and the
struggle his/her partner has with the behavior.
The partner often "feels for" his/her partner and
is in a great quandary about staying in the marriage
or leaving the marriage.
If you are a person facing this dilemma or know
of someone who is, here are some pointed questions
to help move more quickly through the decision making
process:
1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are
you just plain worn out? Does it seem that it would
be much easier to just put up and tolerate the crazy
kind of behavior you bump into with him? Are you
emotionally fried and think of confronting him with
your feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage
as jumping into more emotional turmoil?
2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do
you think you should hang in there for religious,
moral or other "should" reasons? Most spouses who
partner with those who can't say no are very conscientious
people. Is that you? Do you want to do the right
thing? Are you willing to continue feeling the humiliation
and facing the dangers because you believe you should
stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather than
practical and personal concerns dictate your decisions?
3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do
you believe you should stay to protect the children?
Do you think you are the only spouse who can care
for the children? (You may be.) Or maybe your spouse
cares deeply for the children and is a good parent.
(That may be also.) Do you think that ending the
marriage would make life immeasurably worse for
your children? Do you fear for their welfare if
you confront his behavior?
4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do
you see absolutely no way out and are resigned to
this marriage? You may experience a powerful pervasive
feeling of being stuck. You may believe that you
have tried everything and that it is in the best
interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple
your weariness with your sense of being stuck and
you may tolerate a great deal of disappointment
and pain for the sake of the marriage.
5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do
you see yourself as incapable of getting out? Your
self-esteem may be at rock bottom. You may think
of yourself as incapable of starting over, incapable
of starting a new relationship, incapable of making
the transition to a new life and incapable of making
decisions on your own. It is not unusual for the
spouse of someone who can't say no to lose her sense
of dignity and self-respect as he attempts to control,
intimidate and dictate.
6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do
you need to protect him? Do you see beyond what
is there to him basic emptiness and fear? It's there
and you know it? Perhaps you fear what might happen
to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be able to
cope? What destructive path might he take next?
So you hang in there, aware of his underlying pain
and hope some day it will be addressed.
7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do
you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving
you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence?
You might face the emotional game playing at a new
level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back,
not confront, not move toward change for fear of
what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen
with fear?
8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have
you given no thought to how you might start over?
This is a little different than the fear of starting
over. Perhaps your life has been so wrapped around
his or the care of your children that you have given
little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought
of your desires, your skills, your dreams, your
hopes and your future apart from him? Or, apart
from your children?
Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address
these questions. Once you do, you may experience
a new found freedom to act and move in new ways.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped
hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal
from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive
infidelity. Visit his website at:
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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